Big news this time, I thought I would fill you all in.

Tim and I are moving in together as of March 1st. It has taken a lot of time to finally decide but we are going to do it. We have the papers signed and it will be a years lease at the new place. I will be posting some pictures of the new place later, one main thing about this place is that it's got so much space! It's a 2 bedroom apt with a storage room and everything! Excitement galore.

Jinx who is now 2 years old, has been climbing everywhere pushing everything down off the shelves and just making a damned annoyance of himself as of late. It's actually frustrating me to pieces. I can't sleep deeply as I am supposed to (I have epilepsy and waking me can cause seizures) he's been waking me at 5:30-9:00 am multiple times!! I would appreciate any help I can get on this, please let me know if there is something I can do short of getting rid of him (which I will NEVER do).

So this week has been pretty emotional to say the least, that and I haven't been taking my meds regularly so today was horrible. I felt like sitting on the floor and crying... for no reason. Tim hates it when I get like that but he understands. It's frustrating for the poor bugger sometimes. I think I have just gotten to the point that I keep seeing throughout my life that I have never really had anyone to hang out with. I have friends... just no one wants to do anything with me or go anywhere. I have been so lonely as of late that it's killing me inside and I keep blaming myself for this. Maybe there's some flaw in my personality causing this and if it is why can't I find it in order to change that? *sigh* I can't wait till I start feeling better again.

So I may not be on for a while at the end of the month. I will be posting some photos I am going to be working on soon and also, there is a short story I started but I'm not sure if I am going to post it yet. But I will keep you posted!

Mel

I wanted to make some edits on my profile but apparently DA is being a pain.

I'm thinking about coming back to DA, really I only come here to look at the DA secrets (damn addictive) and just look at some art here and there. I've lost my motivation to write mostly because I don't feel like my work is progressing anywhere. My angtsy little emo poems can only go so far and then... you just get sick of it all. There's only so many ways you can say I hurt, feel depressed or I'm lonely. And I really only write those to ease my emotional suffering.

Tonight I'm sitting here reminicing about old haunts like white-wolf chats and a poetry board that doesn't exist anymore and I miss it. I previously felt such kinship with a chat on here but people have since moved on from that as well. I find myself lost, both emotionally and logically. How this all ties in... I have no idea. It just does -go with it-ok?

Tonight I came here to write only in my frustration to find I don't feel like myself. I feel like three or four different people put together to form a single centre but only in different moods does those other selves seem to come out. My music taste changes, I get tired of the color of my msn, I hate the journals I have and want new ones. It's one of those nights you just feel like changing the furniture around... just because.

RAWR.

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**Update**

I am currently working at a call centre as a phone whore, which on some days is great and others is damn frustrating. Depending on the people you get on the other line. But it pays well, and it has great benefits so I can see me staying there, I just find it very tiring emotionally.

Tim and I are currently thinking about moving in together but I think there's a lot of shit we have to get together before this happens. As of late I am making more but I am also spending more, which is a big no-no if I want to pay off some bills.

I'm putting on weight again, trying to fight with myself to get to the gym but my hours are 11-7:30 which takes up majority of my day and I get the choice of getting up at 7 or staying late till 11, stupid buses. GURRR

I want to get my permit but because of my epilepsy and my changing of pills it may take some time for that. It's also a good excuse for putting it off more and more... but this time.. it really is my pills. I think.

Other then that things are relatively the same.... still having troubling days with the depression and then others not at all. Yay pills. >.< (I really hate being on pills for depression)

Oh yeah, and jinx is evil. He's currently biting my back fat because he wants attention. So I must be off before he opens all my cupboard doors again.

I hope some of you are still out there reading this, if you are leave me one and I'll be in contact. Otherwise goodnight internet.

1. I'm now working at the YMCA, on front desk. I've done 3 course for training, the last if I continue with it will qualify me to be a basic trainer. (Though I don't think I will because I basically took it to learn how to train myself.)

2. I'm currently up to losing 75 lbs. I'm now at at steady 255- 258 range. (YAY!)

3. Ray (my stepfather) is going to be finished his radiation treatments as of monday, so far his bloodwork has come back well, we are looking to about May when he's going to have to go to Halifax and get some lymphocytes put in.

4. Tim and I are no longer dating, we talked it over and right now he's not ready for a relationship and honestly I need more work on myself before I can get any closer to another person. I need to be able to stand alone before I stand with someone.

5. I have decided I will start doing interval training in the summer *or at least when the snow is gone* and I'm going to train myself to run. It's something I've always wanted to do but never have. I will be fit enough by then.

6. Still having problems doing things on my own, or rather without someone there with me. IE: Going to the movies alone, or eating alone. I don't like it, it causes me a lot of anxiety. It's not as bad as it was but I'm working on it!

7. Working most nights and don't have a lot of time right now. The time I do have is basically spent sleeping and trying to see the family and friends.

8. Having issues with some of the friends, which I'm not going to go into, but lets just say that right now I need a break. I need to laugh and get away from work and do some things!

9. I finally got to see my baby sister, she's 5 now. There's 20 years between the both of us and I don't get to see her much. She's growing like a weed!

10. My mom is being awesome, she and I are really close now. We are kinda going through a lot of the same stuff, plus she's been through a lot of other stuff I have. Ex: Dating and friends. So when I get upset she listens and talks to me, lets me vent and although there are times we don't always agree she's there for me and listens to me. I love her very much.

The end.

Happy Easter everyone!

Much love to all!

First, the good news. I met a nice guy at work and we've agreed to date. He's a really nice guy, and I am really interested. Seems he is too, not totally sure though, lots to get to know first though.

I can't really talk much about it but please just keep my family in your thoughts and prayers, it may turn out to be nothing but the specialist thinks it won't be. So... as I said just keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Much love to all.

Think hard about each question, answer truthfully and seriously and please elaborate!!!

1. If your life was a little glass ball, who would you trust enough to give it to? I don't really have many friends but the ones I do have are very trustworthy and I trust them explicitly. So the main people would probably be My family, Mel, Appii, Steph...

2. Do you think our futures are already planned out for us? I honestly think it's 50/50. There are some things in life which we are meant to do, but I think we have the choice whether or not we do so. Everything in life we make a choice with, things happen but we are the ones who react and let things effect us.

3. Do adults really understand teenagers? Depends on the person, you can't label people as "adults" and "teenagers" because all are different.

4. How often do you feel like you just need OUT? There's a lot of things this could refer to but if you meant out of life, out of hard emotions or situations, I think everyone has. Particularly for myself I did have a problem with depression and my emotions, so yes, I had a hell of a lot of times I just wished to be out. But now, I don't really feel that way anymore.

5. What would you do if you found out someone very close to you (for example, boy/girlfriend you've been dating for years) told you they were a member of the KKK? First off, I'm very against racism. If there's one thing that would boil my blood it's that. Sometimes you can have different opinions on subjects but if a person is so shallow minded that believe they should hate someone based on color, then I wouldn't be able to be with them or around them anymore.

6. Does the music you listen to effect decisions you make in your every day life? Music can sometimes influence a mood, yes. BUT to actually effect decisions you make in your everyday life I think that there would have to be some underlying problem behind it. ie: Manson's music and school shootings. I don't think that mansons music could effect someone so totally as to make someone go kill someone else. There was a lot of underlying emotional problems with those kids, I listen to Manson all the time. I'm not agressive nor have a hurt anyone.

7. In the end, will we all be forgiven? I think if you are totally repentant and able to accept the consequences for what you have done that you will be forgiven, yes. But you must be able to do those first.

8. Do you understand why some people want to commit suicide? Funny, how this would be posed to a person diagnosed with depression... "Me? Never!" *innocent look* But yes, I can totally see how a person could want to kill themselves, sometimes it just hurts too much and you can't find your way out.

9. Have you ever been to a big protest? Not really, I mean I've walked out of school once (I can't remember why) but other then that I haven't. Now, that's not to say that I don't have my own beliefs and opinions which I would totally stand up for....

10. Do you believe the news you see on tv is uncensored and unbiased? That's like asking do you need to breathe? *rolls eyes* Of course it is! The world is ruled by media and propaganda. From the amount of body issues everyone has right down to what is actually going down in the middle east. It's all controlled by the governments and media.

11. Truthfully, do you want to make a difference when you grow up? People make a difference by just smiling sometimes, but yes, if I can brighten another persons day or help someone live their life easier I'd love to.

12. Are we really free in America? Uhm, I don't live in America. So I'll just speak for what I do know. I live in Canada. Compared to what we used to be we've come a -long- way. I think we are as free as we can be. I mean if I want I can do mostly anything. As long as it doesn't hurt another or break laws. I'm sure there are things that can be improved though... always a chance for improvement somewhere.

13. Are you/have you ever been clinically depressed? Nope the medication is just sugar pills. Yes, I was clinically depressed. Thanks to my drugs and a whole lotta Cognitive Behavorial Therapy or CBT, I'm much better!

14. Do you have any mental disorders, etc? Depression and Anxiety. The Anxiety is mostly in social situations but it happens other times as well. It's not so bad that it's a disorder though.

15. Is it noble of a person to actually forgive everyone, even people like Saddam Hussein? I take the whole forgive but not forget thing to heart. I will forgive people, it may take some time depending on the severity of the hurt. But I will never forget what they did.

16. Is it fair for a president to draft soldiers to the army? No it's not right, everyone should have a choice in where they want to go and how they want to live. But will that stop it from happening ever again? I doubt it.

17. Are we a lost generation? I think that we've become so intelligent and lazy due to technology that we are destroying ourselves. If we didn't have as much time on our hands would we have the time to sit around and think about how bad our lives are? *Shrugs* Maybe it's just me thinking this way but it's my opinion.

18. Is it bad to call someone retarded? Depends on how you mean it. If you say it as an insult then yes, if you are saying it as a joke then no.

19. Would you consider AIDS the worst disease on earth? There are so many diseases out there that are bad, it's hard to just name one single disease. Cancer, ALS, MS, etc. The list just goes on and on. So no it's one of the worst diseases yes, not the worst. The worst disease in the world is the one you're suffering from.... I hope that makes sense.

20. Does God owe us an explanation? I think it would be nice to understand what the hell is going on sometimes, but no. God doesn't owe anyone an explaination.

21. What the heck are we fighting for? Depends on if you believe the pack of lies Bush is spewing out at us or if you can form your own opinion of what is actually going on by local and international news. Either way no one really knows.

22. Is money the root of all evil? Money an object, it is the person behind it which makes it a negative or positive thing. Kinda like a gun, guns don't shoot people- people do.

23. Is everyone a good person at heart? Everyone is capable of being good at heart yes, but does it mean that their actions reflect it.

24. If a young woman was raped and got pregnant, and then decided to get an abortion, would you still consider her a "baby killer"? No. I think that with Abortion there should be some exceptions. One of these would be rape. Although the baby is not the blame for the rapists actions sometimes it's too emotionally hard for a woman who is raped th go through with the pregnancy. I'd much rather that she gave it up for adoption but I am not her. I still do not believe in Abortion though, but I do believe there are times when it could be a solution.

25. Do you want to be alive when the antichrist comes, just to experience it? If the antichrist does come, and I'm not sure I believe he will... I don't think I want to be alive to see it. I think if he does there will be a lot of suffering and I don't like pain... it hurts.

26. Are you a good person at heart? Yes, I try to be the best person I can be. All I can do is try, and I do. So therefore I think I am a good person at heart.

27. Is it really wrong for teachers to hug their students? No, it's never a bad thing for someone to hug another. Showing someone affection is a good thing as long as it is wanted and not forced on another. I think it's pretty bad if we have to re-think even hugging people. Damn society!

28. Would you mind being president? I'd rather not have the same responsibility of screwing up america thank you, it's already screwed up enough as it is.

29. Do you find it weird, that you never know what your future will bring, and you might really end up president, or the first lady? Why would I find it weird that I don't know my future? Does anyone else know their futures? Am I being kept out of the loop here?! (side note: If I become the president being a Canadian Citizen something is really really screwed up)

30. Are "followers" really that bad, considering you can’t have a leader without them? I think it's great to have followers as long as they are not sheep. People need to question their leaders and have informed decisions on what is going on.

31. Have you seen Fahrenheit 9/11? I have and I think it was a great film. I love Mike Moore.

32. If you answered yes to #31, did you enjoy it? I did indeed. I don't trust everything but his arguement seemed to have more fact then Bushs.

33. If you answered no to #31, why not? N/A

34. Have you ever told someone 'Go to hell' and really meant it? I have said it in the heat of anger but no I don't think I really meant it. I don't even know if I believe in Hell.

35. Do you give homeless people spare change, even though you know they'll just buy booze or drugs? If I have change I will yes sometimes. It's not my choice to tell someone how to use a gift.

36. When someone does something you know is wrong, like make a racist or sexist comment, what do you do? Ask how they meant it and if they meant it meanly I tell them off.

37. Are you embarrassed by your family's background? No, why should I?

38. Even if you don't believe Jesus was our savior, do you still think that he was very noble? I believe in god, not so sure that I believe in Jesus personally. Still working that one out.

39. Is God really watching over us? I believe he is, I think he's always there if we need to talk or say a prayer for someone. It never hurts to have faith.

40. What do you picture heaven to be like? Again, still working that one out